SpiderMatt's Origin
by Spider-Matt
Summary: Chapter 6 is finally up! Remember, this is real parody! Don't settle for cheap immitations!
1. Chapter 1

Spider-Matt's Origin Prologue 

            It was a nice morning.  Too nice for anything not to go wrong.  Criminals cannot waste nice day days.  They need to use the nice days whenever they can.  Nice days can be rare in New York City, you see.  Actually, between rain clouds, snow, and super villains destroying the city, it's nearly impossible for New York to have a nice, perfect day.

            However, sometimes people with extraordinary powers (super heroes) do something to try to make a good day.  Usually these super heroes end up destroying the city more than the villain ever would have and it just ends up being a total waste.  Nonetheless, every now and then a hero might be lucky enough to stop a villain with no chaos at all.  This is not one of those stories.

            "Open it up, Joe," a security guard said as he walked by another.

            The other security guard picked up a bunch of keys and flung them around on his finger using the key ring.  He turned and walked to the door.  The guard grabbed the door handle, unlocked the door, and opened it.  A man with a suit on rushed through.

            "Hello," the guard called out cheerily as he gave a gay smile.

            Before the guard had even finished his one word sentence the suited man already had a gun out and was saying in a raised voice, "Please remain calm and no one gets it!"

            "Gets what?" asked a man in the crowd who was apparently too slow for his own good.  "The gun?"

            "For Christ's sake!  Just put your damn hands on your head and get on the ground like everyone else!"

            The slow man did as the man with the gun said and by now other men in suits had come in and were already taking money from the vault.  It took a only few seconds for all the money to be put into the bags (mind you, these were professionals) and then the men made their way to the stairway exit.

            The men now put on gas masks and shot a gas bomb behind them so they could make a quick exit without trouble.  Usually the gas would have been used at the beginning of the heist, but these were professionals that didn't need the assist of gas to help them steal money.

            Once on the top of the building, a helicopter lowered so that the men could clumsily climb in.  Some tripped a couple of times.  They _were_ professionals, though they had some trouble climbing into helicopters quickly.

            "Like candy from a baby," one of the men commented.

            "Dude, that's mean!" another remarked.

            The helicopter was off!  It flew between buildings with such perfection it would make any other great helicopter pilot gawk in disbelief.  Suddenly the helicopter stopped.  It flew from side to side, smashing up buildings in the progress, but it refused to accelerate.

            Then the helicopter was yanked back and was flying backwards for a while with its passengers inside screaming.  The helicopter stopped as the screaming died down.

            The passengers looked from their left to their right and noticed a very tall building on each side.  The helicopter, they also noticed, was stuck on a silly string type substance.  It was in a design that resembled a spider web.

            Spider-Matt swung away from the two large buildings saying to himself, "God bless my Super Silly String.  I should patent this stuff!"

            If Spider-Matt weren't so dumb and unobservant then perhaps he would have noticed a plane smash into one of those tall buildings.  He would have also noticed another plane smash into the other building, and he might have seen both buildings eventually collapse, which killed the people inside the helicopter.  Spider-Matt was not observant in slightest, however.  It was luck that he even managed to see any sort of criminal activity going on in the first place.

            If somebody told you that this was a happy super hero story, kiddied up for children around the age of five, somebody lied!  Like all great stories, this is a tale with a very hot girl in it.  However, in the beginning there had been no girl.  No.  Just Matt and those damn genetically altered spiders!

1

            It's time to reminisce about the past.  Matt Hallark was just a lad of four-years-old when both his parents died in a plane crash.  It was then that he was sent to his peculiar Uncle Fred and doting Aunt (_"u" not silent!_) June.

            Ben was a tall, well built man at the age of sixty-three.  He enjoyed fishing, wrestling, and making fun of his nephew Matt.  June was a little different.  She was old and frail at the age of sixty-nine.  Also, since she never had a child herself due to some horribly painful disease that is better to go unsaid, she loved Matt as her own.  Matt wanted to shoot himself (came pretty damn close a few times) because he could hardly ever get away from "Do you have your sweater" and "Did you wet your bed again?"  Matt couldn't take it anymore.  He wished that he would get bitten by a genetically altered spider and die of some new crazy poison.  Yeah!  Like _that_ was going to happen.

            So, the day that Matt's parents died in that plane crash he was taken to his aunt and uncle's house.  The two new parents of this boy tried to explain why his parents were now gone.  They all sat on a plastic covered sofa (stupid old people and their obsession with plastic covered sofas) and had a little talk.

            "Matt," Aunt June said in a soft, loving voice, "you understand that your parents aren't coming back, right?"

            Matt's eyes started to water up.

            "Oh, don't be such a pansy!" exclaimed Uncle Fred.  "Hey champ, I made up this little song for you.  I'll sing it for you to help you understand why your parents left."

            Fed started singing as June looked on with a curious expression on her face.

Your mommy and daddy couldn't get decent jobs.

They weren't able to feed you or buy you a car.

So they both made and educated decision.

Your mommy and daddy committed suicide.

So they hopped on a plane and crashed it into the ground

Because of the love that they never found

For a crummy son like you

Your parents couldn't love such a bum

You jumped and played in all the wrong ways

You hopped on and touched other guys because you are gay

You're such a dumb child how could they stay alive

We'd all be better off if we were dead tonight

It was then that June finally smacked Fred over the head so hard that he went flying off the couch and fell on the small table in front of them.  Matt was wailing by now.  Tears were streaming down his face.  June moved over to Matt so that she could give him a hug.  It was of no consolation to Matt.


	2. Chapter 2

2

__

That bitch!

Matt loved Sam Wantsum with all his heart and soul. Sam had luscious red hair and a cute face always wearing smirk that made most people want to kill themselves. Matt was just so pissed off at her right now that he could smack her upside the head. He didn't, of course. But he sure wanted to. He just wasn't around her to perform the task that he was yearning to do.

It was the day of the field trip to some weird company called Borndum Corporation. This corporation did cruel and unusual experiments to all sorts of different animals. Matt didn't know why there was a fieldtrip going there, he just knew that he didn't want to be late for it.

So if Matt didn't want to be late for the fieldtrip, why the hell did he ask Sam what time the bus left? Sam never pays attention to anything. Matt's an idiot! That's why.

Sam had said that the bus picked up the students at 8:30. So Matt arrived at the school at 8:30 and was just in time to see the bus start to leave.

Matt was happy he had his sneakers on, because he was going to have to run like hell. So he did. He ran. He ran and he ran and he ran. The bus didn't stop.

Matt was able to trail behind the bus for a short while. Matt pounded his fist against the back yelling, "Stop the bus! I can't run much more!"

It was about that time that Sam, not that she could hear what was being said by the teenage boy outside the bus, walked up to the bus driver and said, "Please just stop the bus and let the dumb nerd get his ride."

"Fine, fine…" The bus driver was disappointed a bit. He was having fun torturing the dim-witted dope.

The bus came to an abrupt halt and the kids inside heard a loud **thump**! To Matt, the sound was a bit louder, and all he could see was a yellow blur. Matt had smashed straight into the bus when it came to the sudden halt.

Matt brushed himself off and pretended to straighten his glasses (he actually didn't have glasses, but he liked to think he did). He then proceeded around the bus to the open door and walked inside. "Thanks. Sorry. Thanks. Sorry."

Matt continued saying these words as he searched through the aisle for a seat. No one was willing to let Matt sit down. As Matt continued his decent to the back of the bus, there was another loud **thump**! This time Matt found all black in front of his face when he realized he had been tripped, and he didn't have to look up to know by whom.

Sparky Nelson was a jock and was currently dating Sam, Matt's secret obsession. Sparky loved to pick on nerds like Matt. Actually, it was just Matt.


	3. Chapter 3

3

When the class got to Borndum Corporation they got out of the bus and did as the teacher instructed, which was to listen to when he instructed. Just then, a very nice and expensive looking car rolled up. All the kids were anxious to see who would come strolling out jet-black Rolls Royce. Maybe the owner of Borndum Corporation was inside.

Actually, as it happened, the owner of the Borndum Company was inside the very expensive car. But only the son of the owner was getting out at that moment. Before the son, Henry Borndum, got out of the car, he turned to his father, Raymond Borndum, and started to talk.

"Dad, I'm not going to get out here!" Henry exclaimed as if getting out in front of the entrance of the building was preposterous.

"What the hell are you talking about? The entrance is right there!" yelled Raymond in disbelief. "Why would you want to get out anywhere else?"

"My peers are there. I don't want them to see how incredibly rich and powerful my family is!"

"That makes no damn sense at all, Henry."

Henry thought about this and realized that his father was right.

"Okay, bye Dad."

"Bye"

Henry got out of the car and walked towards Matt. Henry was Matt's only friend. This was only because Matt could help Henry with his homework, but that was beside the point. They were friends, nonetheless.

"Hey Matt, did you get your Math homework done last night?" Henry inquired in a nice friendly manner.

"Sure did," Matt returned in an equally friendly manner as he walked forward to meet Henry.

"Good, because I didn't!" Henry seemed to let off a little tension.

"I see…"

Raymond came up behind his son. It looks like the owner of the company decided to get out of the car after all. Raymond was holding a backpack.

"Thought you might need this," Raymond said handing the backpack to his son. "Who's your friend?"

"Oh, this is Matt" Henry introduced his father. "Matt, this is my father, Raymond."

"Glad to meet you, boy," Raymond greeted.

"Same here. I loved all your science fiction novels. I love how you're trying to bring your mutated animals to life!" Matt was excited to finally be meeting one of his favorite authors.

"You've read all my novels?" Raymond was surprised.

"Of course!"

"And you understood them?" Raymond inquired.

"Well, they are written in a third grade reading level. I did a report on _When Good Animals go Mutated_!"

"Ah yes, my very first published book. Brings back memories. You know, my _son_ doesn't like my books very much."

Henry frowned then said, "I think we better get going. Bye Dad."

"You have the coolest father!" Matt exclaimed as he was walking away.

"Yeah… Cool…"

Once inside the gigantic building, the tour began. The particular tour that the school went on mainly consisted of mutated spiders.

The woman who was doing the tour was talking about all the different types of spiders they had. Matt knew all about spiders already, so he didn't give a damn. He spent his time more productively by concentrating on Sam's luscious beauty and stunning good looks and… Actually, good looks were all Sam had. She certainly didn't have much for brains.

"Next we have the black widow spider," the tour guide droned on. "The female black widow eats her mate when finished mating, hence the name…"

Matt quickly diverted his eyes and put them on the tank full of black widows. He already knew the fact the guide had just stated, but Matt found it a disturbing thing to hear while he was looking at Sam and thinking about mating with her.

As the class left the tank full of black widows Matt decided he would try to talk to the girl he had had a crush on since the first grade.

"Can I take your picture… for the school paper?" Matt asked a little uneasy.

"Sure," said Sam with a cute smile on her face. "Would you like one of me stripping?"

__

That slut! Although it would be nice, Matt thought to himself.

"Actually, just standing by that container of spiders would be great," Matt said. He had a tendency of never speaking his mind.

Sam posed in a sexy stance by the spider tank. "Try not to make me look ugly."

"Okay, I'll try." When Matt realized that this was the wrong thing to say, he quickly corrected himself by saying "I mean, that's impossible!"

Matt took a couple of photos, each one a bit more amusing and sexy than the last.

Sparky then called to Sam and she went to Sparky like an obedient dog going to its master. Matt was disheartened.

Finally they neared the end of the tour. The class came to the final tank of spiders.

"Here we have fifteen genetically altered spiders. We took DNA from all the spiders you saw previously and put the DNA from each spider into a single spider. We did this to fifteen different spiders to see if we could enhance the spider's abilities…"

"There's only fourteen."

As Sam corrected the tour guide's mistake, Matt's stomach growled.

"Excuse me? I think I know how many spiders there are!" the guide snapped then she walked over to the tank to count the spiders, a little unsure of her remark.

The class huddled around the tank of spiders and started counting. Everyone lost count several times and had to recount again and again.

Meanwhile, Matt's stomach wouldn't give up. It was howling for food.

"I so damn hungry," Matt moaned. Just then he felt something crawling on his hand.

**__**

SMACK!

Matt looked at his hand and noticed a much more flattened version of the eight-legged creatures he saw in the tank that everyone was counting next to.

Matt's stomach growled again.

"Dammit! I need some food now!"

Matt looked down at the top of his hand where the lifeless compacted spider lay.

"Can't be much wrong with it. I used to eat spiders as a kid all the time," Matt admitted to himself.

Truth be told, Matt still ate spiders. So Matt flung the spider into his mouth and swallowed it.

"There, that's better… I don't feel too good," Matt clutched his stomach.

Miraculously, the effects of the spider disappeared for the rest of the field trip and didn't return until Matt got back to his house.


	4. Chapter 4

4

"How do you get goddam thing in!" shouted an elderly man, who was quite grumpy, while standing on a chair and fiddling with a light bulb.

"You twist it, you idiot!" shouted an elderly woman, who was just as grumpy as the man, while she held a knife and violently cut up some green vegetable.

"I _know _that, smart ass," the grumpy man shouted back at the grumpy woman.

"Well, Fred, you evidently don't," the woman said in a smart-ass tone.

"You know what, June?  Just shut your mouth.  I don't want to hear it."  Fred didn't want to hear it because he, like I have previously mentioned, is a bit grumpy.  It really didn't matter what _it_ was, as long as he didn't hear it.

"I hope you fall on your ass," June hoped loud enough for grumpy Fred to hear.

"I'm already on my goddam ass, June."  Fred stepped down off the chair after he thought he thought he had done a good enough job on the light bulb.  The bulb fell to the floor and shattered, but Fred pretended he had done an excellent job and ignored it.  "I lost my goddam job.  That means I'm on my ass!"

"Fine another job, you fat fart!" June said while continuing her smart-ass attitude.

"Everything requires knowledge about computers.  How the hell would I know anything about computers?  And I have that worthless nephew to worry about, too.  Why doesn't he help with anything?  The goddam bum!"

Just then, Matt, while clutching his stomach, walked through the door.  The old folk's attitude turned complete around.

"Hi, Matt," June said in a cherry voice.  She obviously didn't notice her that her nephew was in excruciating pain.  "How was your day?"

"Sucked.  I'm going to sleep."  Matt proceeded directly to the stairs and went up to his room.

"See?" Fred said when Matt was out of earshot.  "Lazy and worthless.  The goddam bum.

"Oh, shut up," June said.

Up in his room, Matt flung his backpack down and collapsed on the floor.  He had just enough strength to reach up and pull his beloved blanket over him.  This would keep him warm when he had the terrible dream about having his flesh eaten by giant man-eating spiders taking over the world.

Over at the Borndum Corporation there is a checkup being conducted.  The auditor general's office was taking a look over things.

"Hello, gentlemen," Borndum said when he entered the room.  He actually despised these men, as you could imagine.  They came in and told Raymond how to do his job.  Raymond really hated these guys.  He hated auditors ever since his biking accident.  It really had nothing to do with auditors, it's just that he hit his head rather violently and he's hated anyone that works directly for the government ever since.

"We're just going to take a look around and make sure everything is safe.  We don't want any mutated spiders out biting kids on field trips or anything."  The leader of the auditing group was being as friendly as it was possible for him to be.  It was actually quite friendly, indeed.

"If a kid got bit by one of my animals, I'd know.  Everything's perfectly safe, trust me!"  Raymond Borndum gave his best smile, which turned out very hideous.

"Well, okay.  You seem like a good, straightforward fellow."  The leader turned towards the rest of the auditors and said, "Let's get the hell out of here.  We can get a few drinks before heading back to the office to make up some sort of a report."  Twisting back to Borndum, the man said, "Alcohol helps the imagination."

The auditors cleared out and Borndum was left alone with all the idiots that worked for him.  _That was easy enough,_ Borndum thought.  _I should invite them around for dinner more often._

Borndum walked into his lab and looked around.

"What should we mess with today, Strum?" Raymond asked his top scientist.  Strum was Raymond's right hand man and did all the work that Raymond needed done.

"You wanted to work with the green gas and…" Strum was cut off.

"Yes!  The green gas!  What does it do?"  Borndum was pretty clueless about his products.  That's mostly because he didn't create them.  Strum did.

"It gives you amazing power and makes you insane.  It also helps you with your balance, which means someone could control that glider we invented last week with much ease."  Strum always had to say "we invented," because Borndum never gave full credit to anyone.  He always had to have something to do with whatever was begin talked about.  He didn't care if it was the Berlin Wall.  He had a part in it!

"Did you get any volunteers to try out the gas?" Raymond asked his top scientist.

"No.  No one wanted to be turned into a monster."

"Fine.  I'll just have to do it my self.  Get the container ready!" Raymond ordered.

"What?!  Surly you can't be serious."

"I am serious!  And please don't steal lines from other movies.  That's plagiarism."

Despite the fact that Borndum thought using that line would be plagiarism, he also believed that he had a part in the making of that line.

While Strum set up the gas chamber, his boss sang various different songs that Raymond thought he played a part in writing.

"Okay, everything is ready," Strum informed.  "Just lie down on that uncomfortable metal bed over there and let's begin."

Raymond Borndum did just as he was directed.  He walked over and laid down on the uncomfortable metal bed.  Then cold metal restraints came down over his ribs.

"Cold," Raymond stated the obvious.

The bed moved backwards into the glass gas chamber.  The bed moved from vertical to horizontal and when everything was closed up the gas began to pour in.  It's hard to say where the gas was coming from.  It appeared to be coming from vents, but there was no gas on the other side of the tank.  Oh well.

Continuing on with more relevant information, Borndum started shaking violently and Strum turned off the gas more concerned about saving his own ass rather than his boss's.

Raymond was unconscious when Strum approached the glass.  When Strum got the glass, however, Raymond snapped awake, broke the glass with his fist, grabbed Strum's throat and threw Strum against a wall that happened to have many glass containers by it.

"Umm…  My bad… Sorry about that…" Raymond took a quick look around the room to make sure nobody saw what happened.

Meanwhile, back at the Hallark residence, Matt woke up with an erection the size on Florida.  He had been dreaming about Sam again.  I won't go into details because it's quite disgusting and gross and… and… and disgusting.  Not that that's ever stopped me before.  But I think I should be considerate off all my readers and not just the males.

Anyway, when Matt woke up, he got up off the ground and happened to catch a glimpse of himself in a mirror on his closet door.  Matt was so shocked at what he saw he passed out.

While passed out Matt was able to prepare himself for what he was going to see when he woke up so he would be in a continuous loop of passing out and waking up.  When Matt woke up, once again, he got up and looked at the mirror.

Matt still had a hard time coming to grips with what he saw, despite all that preparing he did while he was passed out on the floor.  Matt now had muscles the size of Texas, but, comparatively, a head the size of Road Island.

Matt then had his attention drawn to the left where he could see out his window into Sam's.  Matt loved living next door to Sam.  At the moment she was getting dressed, and, once again, I won't give out much detail.  I will say that she was dancing around nude in her room.  And I'm not talking about your average, clean, 1950's dancing, either.  Matt was amusing himself by calculating the volume of her breasts, for about the 5022 time in the past month.  He always came up with about 452.16 cubed inches.

Matt's aunt's voice distracted his attention from the window.  "Are you up, Matt?  Time for school," June was saying in her extra sweet voice.

"Yeah, I'm up," Matt said through his door.  He took another look at the mirror and smiled.  "I am _hot_, if I do say so myself."

"What was that?" June asked.

"N-nothing, Aunt June."

Matt lunged down the stairs and then jumped up putting his sneakers against the wall to pretend he walk on the wall or something absurdly stupid like that.  Unfortunately, he found it hard to pretend after he fell to floor.

When his aunt and uncle heard the loud thump they turned around to see what happened.  Matt was already back on his feet and running out the front door.

"Wait a sec, Matt," Fred said.  "You gonna help me paint the kitchen after school?"

"I wasn't planning on it, why?" Matt asked.

"Oh, well… I thought you might want to spend some uncle nephew quality time by painting the kitchen."  Uncle Fred looked at Matt waiting for his reply.

"I wish I could, but I have this… Well there's going to be a… a…" Matt paused, shifted his eyes, and thought for moment.  "There's an exhibit on radiation and I'm going to see an experiment there after school."

"Oh, well… You know I just want to spend some good quality time with my nephew and all…"

"You just want me to paint the kitchen," Matt shot back.  It wasn't in an insulting manner.  He merely stated it as the fact that it was.

"So, ummm…  Meet me here at three-thirty?" Fred asked as Matt grabbed his backpack and rushed out the door.

"Why is he in such a hurry?" June wondered.

"He probably wants to catch up with that red-headed slut who lives next door," Fred told June.  "You know them raging hormones kids have.  I sure remember.  Viagra just isn't the same, I tell you."

When Matt got out the front door he saw Sam walking out her front door as well.  There was loud shouting coming from inside that door going something like this:

"Fine!  Go out dressed like that; see if I care!  You're just making a statement.  A statement that you're a slut!  Slut, slut, slut!"

Sam's father was yelling at her for the billionth time that week.  There was never a quiet moment at the Wantsum house.

Matt followed Sam to the bus stop and then started practicing things to say to her and fair distance away.  Matt didn't want to go up to her without anything to say to her.

"So, are you a screamer or a moaner?"  Matt didn't think that was quite what he wanted to start out with, so he continued.  "How about the Mets?  They lost again last night?  That's unbelievable.  Why do I have to root for such a crappy team?  I know I could root for the Yankees, but they always win.  Want a team with some excitement, you know?  You don't?  Don't you watch baseball?  You should.  The way it works is…"

Matt was so enwrapped in the conversation he was having with himself that he didn't notice the bus was there until it started to pull away from the stop.

When Matt noticed the bus leaving he abruptly stopped talking to himself and raced after the yellow vehicle.  Just like the previous day Matt was beating on the back of the bus.  Except instead of stopping the bus just sped up.

Surprisingly enough, Matt was able to keep up.  This wasn't because of his amazing running speed.  As a matter of fact, Matt wasn't running at all.  Matt's hand was caught on the back of the bus.  He didn't know how or why, he just knew he was stuck and was being dragged across the street pavement.  Matt didn't get his hand off the bus until he arrived at school.  By then he was all bruised and scratched up.

Henry was racing through the house to find his father.  Henry really didn't feel like being late for school for the fifteenth time in the first month.  He shot past an open door when he realized his father was in that room.  Henry quickly backed up and walked into the room where his father was lying on the floor and moaning like someone experiencing his first hangover.

"Dad, what happened?  Where were you last night?" Henry inquired.  Henry tried to seem as concerned as possible, but he really just wanted to get to school.

"Last night I was…" While Raymond tried to remember what had happened the previous night, he saw shots of himself dancing with a bunch of scantily clad women in his eye's view.  "No, that was my bachelor party," Raymond decided aloud.  "I don't remember what I was doing last night."

"That's all fine and good, but I have to get to school.  Will you get off your lazy ass and…"

Henry's thought was left incomplete when two Borndum corporation employees walked in.  One was a slightly attractive woman with brown hair.  Raymond had had an affair with that woman when Henry's mother was still alive.  Henry's mother committed suicide soon after because of the lack of love she felt in her family.  The other person was a hideous looking man with no interesting history at all.

"Borndum…" the woman began when Henry returned the favor she had done him by cutting her off.

"My father is sick!  Piss off!  I need to get to school!"

Henry was ignored while the lady continued.  "The glider and the greed armored suit that looks like a goblin are stolen!  Oh yeah, and Strum is dead."

"I'm sorry, what?" Strum said when he came out of his trance-like state.  He had still been thinking about his bachelor party.


	5. Look at the number

5

            Everyone's favorite part of the day… lunch!  This especially goes for Matt because he gets to see Sam walk by every day.  He watches her with the admiration and drool that any normal man watches a runway model.  That's what Matt always envisioned Sam as.  The most miraculous runway model in the world carrying a school lunch on a tray.

            Matt had to watch Sam alone this time, though.  Henry had still not made it to school yet.  So, at about ten minutes into the lunch period, Matt looked up and saw Sam right on time.  She was walking gracefully down the cafeteria aisle to sit with her pimp boyfriend, Sparky.

            Suddenly, without warning, except for Matt because he has a buzzing in his head that warns him when anything bad is going to happen, Sam placed her foot down on a green liquid and she slipped.  Sam fell towards the ground and her lunch tray flew forward.  Matt was already on his feet, he was the only one with warning, mind you, and he caught Sam in a sexy, suave move that every girl dreams of.  Matt gave a sexy smile as he lifted Sam up when there was a loud **_SMACK_** that silenced the whole cafeteria.  The tray that had flown out of Sam's hands had hit Sparky's back and gotten food all over him.  Matt was the only one who didn't pay attention because he was still concentrating on Sam.

            Sam had noticed what had happened and decided to use this to make Sparky jealous.  When Sparky turned around to see what the hell had just happened he saw his sluttly girlfriend in the hands on the geekiest person in school.

            Sparky, as well as the rest of the students in the cafeteria because of the abrupt silence, heard Sam say to Matt, "Nice catch.  What other hidden skills do you have."

Sparky leaped to his feat and yelled, "Hallark!!!!"  Matt let out a yelp and he was chased from the cafeteria.

Matt ran around a corner in the hallway to try to ditch Sparky.  Matt pretended it worked by standing in front of a locker and staring at it.  Suddenly the buzzing in Matt's head started to flair again.  This buzzing eventually became known as his know-it-all-spider-wit.  It is called this because Matt was able to pick up a spitball coming his way, a paper airplane flying through the air, and bumblebee buzzing around and Matt didn't turn to look once.  It's quite an amazing power, really.  Oh, and there was one more thing Matt was able to sense.  There was a fist headed straight for him.

Matt swiftly moved to the side as Sparky's fist slammed against a locker.

"Why you have to be messin' with my girl, you freak!"

A small crowd started to gather and Sam made her way though and yelled, "Sparky, it was just an accident.  Hallark didn't mean to be hitting on me."

"Makin' moves on my girl?  You sonuva…"

Matt dodged left and right while a series of pitiful punches were thrown at him.  One of Sparky's ignorant friends then tried to catch Matt from behind.  Matt's know-it-all-spider-wit warned him of this though.  A quick back flip sent Matt to safety.

"Help him, Henry," Sam told Matt's only pal.  Henry had just made it to school in time to see his best friend pull off the amazing back flip

"Which one," Henry said quite stunned at Matt's skill.

"It's no use," said the ignorant punk who had just tried to jump the school geek from behind.  Sparky just pushed his dim-witted buddy away and went after Matt once more.

Matt Hallark didn't feel like fighting anymore.  So he decided to put Sparky out.  Matt quickly shot out his hand like a police officer would to stop a car.  Matt's hand connected with Sparky's chest and sent the bully soaring backwards through the intrigued crowd.

Matt looked around at all the stunned faces.

"Jeez, Hallark, you really are a freak," said one stunned onlooker.  Matt didn't know why the boy had said it.  Sparky just got the crap beaten out of him by a nerd.  Shouldn't Matt be BMC?

Matt couldn't take being made fun of after beating up the biggest bully in the school, so Matt took off.  He ran out of the school, down the street, and he didn't stop until he found an alley that he thought looked like a decent place to stop.

Once he stopped in this alley, he quickly looked around to make sure no one was looking.  He wanted to make sure no one was looking because he was about to try something that would look really crazy if it didn't work.  As a matter of fact, if somebody saw him attempt what he was about to attempt, then Matt would probably carted off to an insane asylum.

Anyway, since Matt's know-it-all-spider-wit was telling him to climb the was, he put his hands against the wall and… tried to climb it.  To Matt's astonishment, as you can imagine, it worked.  Matt was climbing the building and loving it.  He crawled all over it.  Actually, he just crawled straight up it.  He didn't know how to crawl all over yet.

When Matt got to the top of the building he took a deep breath of the cool, New York air.  Cool, polluted, New York air is more like it.  Matt coughed for a minute and then said to himself, "Look at all these buildings.  I bet I could jump across them with no trouble at all."

Well, Matt didn't actually say that out loud, but he was thinking that!  So Matt did exactly what he thought about doing.  He started jumping from building to building.

It was an exhilarating experience.  This was an experience unlike any anything else Matt had ever felt before, and he loved every second of it.  He inhaled a deep breath as he made another leap and let out a shout of ecstasy.  Perhaps the shout came too soon because it was cut off by a yelp of pain when Matt got cocky and smashed into a wall when he fell a little short of the next building.

Matt realized there were some problems that were going to have to be worked out.  First he had to get home.  Who knew how worried his aunt and uncle were.  They could have been in hysterics for al Matt knew.

When Matt did get home he was shocked to find that his aunt and uncle had gone to bed and all they left was a note on the kitchen table.  It read:  "Thanks for not helping me paint the kitchen you useless, little brat.  Since you're so selfish you can find your own damn dinner."

Matt looked around and noticed the new color of the kitchen.  It's really not important what color the kitchen had become.  This is good because there probably isn't a name for the color.  Matt guessed that his Uncle Fred just mixed a bunch of paint until he had invented a new color.  It certainly was unique.

Since he wasn't very hungry, Matt skipped dinner and decided to take out the trash.  The trash didn't really have to go out.  The bag was actually only half full.  Matt just didn't think a night was complete without taking out the trash, so he did.

When Matt walked out his back door he heard yelling over in his neighbors' house.  It was Sam's father yelling at the love of Matt's life.  Matt couldn't take it and want to just run over and beat the hell out of Sam's father.  He just decided to stand in his back yard and eavesdrop instead.

"You're always sleeping around you stupid slut!" Matt heard while listening very carefully to his loud neighbors.  "Why don't you try to do something with your life instead of fucking a new guy every week."

"I've been with Sparky for five weeks!" Sam screamed.

"Yeah, there's an all time high for you!  I'm sure you'll get bored screwing him pretty soon!"

Samantha charged out her back door and slammed it behind her.  When Matt saw her he turned and started putting the trash bag into the garbage can.

"Were you listening to that?" Sam inquired.

"No!  Of course not…  Well I heard a couple things but I was just taking out the trash… honest!" Matt smile at her.

"It's okay.  I believe you."

"You do?"

"Yeah."  It was the redhead's turn to give a smile.

"Ummm… Sorry about the thing with Sparky today…  I hope I didn't hurt him," Matt lied.

"You're such a liar."

"Okay, I hope he's hospitalized for life.  So what?"

"I was just saying that you were lying.  I never said it was bad thing.  So where are you headed after high school?" Sam asked.

"I'm going to the city.  Where the hell else would I go?" Matt said, wondering why the girl he loved so dearly would ask such a stupid question.

"Well, some people go out of state, you know?  People like to open up their options for colleges."

"Oh… right… sorry.  Well, I plan on becoming a photographer to work my way through college."

"Really?  Why a photographer?"

"What's with all the questions?  Maybe I just like cameras.  What do _you_ want to do after high school?"

"Well, it's a little embarrassing…"

"What's more embarrassing than wanting to be a photographer?"

"Right.  In that case I want to be an actress.  Perhaps someday I'll be in a high-grossing porn-flick."  Sam smiled at the thought of her future career.

"That's perfect!"

"It is?"

"Yeah!"  Matt was getting excited now.  This was his first real conversation with Sam.  He was really enjoying himself.  "You were fantastic in all the school plays."

"Yeah, but those weren't exactly porn-flicks, now were they," Sam laughed.

"No, but you always made them seem like porn-flicks."  Matt really had no idea what he was saying anymore.  "I mean, sometimes you can just see what's coming for people."

"What do you see coming for you?" Sam asked another question.

"How the hell should I know?  But I know what you're going to do?"

"What am I going to do?"

"You're gong to light up Broadway with the most spectacular flashing in the world.  Perhaps you'll get a job at a place like the Moulin Rouge later down the road?"

"You really think so?"

Because of Matt's inept ability to do any productive thinking, he decided to "shoot the bull," as they say.  "Yeah, of course."

"You know, you're taller than you look." Sam stated out of the blue.

"What the hell does that have to do with…"

Just then there was a loud honking sound.  Sparky was yelling from his brand new car from the street, "Hey Sam, come check out my new birthday present."

"I have to go.  Nice talking to you." Sam smiled and waved.

As Matt watched Sparky drive off with the lovely redhead, he was given the impression that the car gets the girl.  This is not necessarily true, but it's good to see the connection between the two.  Matt just saw the guy with the car end up being the guy with the girl.  So the next day Matt looked through the paper to see what cars were selling for.  The cheapest car was $2750.  That was way too much money for Matt.  Coincidentally, there was an ad to win $3000 in a wrestling match.  All Matt had to do was create a funky looking costume and stay in some stupid wrestling ring for three minutes.

Matt went to work on the costume immediately.  He sewed up a nifty looking red and blue outfit fairly quickly but felt that something was missing.

"Webs!  I need web to be like a real spider!  But where the hell would I get web.  I suppose I could always use enhanced silly string.  I just have to make stronger silly string!  It'll be perfect!"

So Matt went to work on his next brilliant idea and started working on his Super Silly String!  He even created a device to shoot out this Super Silly Sting.  With this he could shoot silly string onto buildings and swing from it.  It was absolutely brilliant!  Although Matt would have to work on his aim, first.

The devise that shot the silly string was quite ingenious.  Matt just had to load up a bracelet full of Super Silly String and press his middle finger to a button on his palm.  The button was connected to the metal bracelet, which would release the Super Silly String once the button was pressed.  Matt was happy with his accomplishment.

Now Matt worked on his aim!  He whipped his middle finger down on the button and silly string shot out hitting a picture frame up against a wall nowhere near where Matt was aiming.  Matt tried again without achieving much.  For three hours straight all Matt really managed to do was hit a bunch of random possessions and break half of them.  So Matt was going to give up after one more try.  He aimed for a hard cola bottle (now empty) and by some miracle managed to hit it.  Matt pulled back on the Supper Silly String and caught the bottle.  This was amazing!

Matt tried it again.  This time the silly string attached to a lamp.  Matt was overcome with joy.  He gave a great yank on the line and the lamp flew at his head.  Thanks to his know-it-all-spider-wit, Matt dodged the red lamp just in time.  Unfortunately, it made a rather loud noise, which made his aunt somewhat suspicious.

"What are you doing in there?" Matt heard his Aunt June ask from the other side of the bedroom door.

"I'm exercising.  I'm not dressed!"

"You're acting so strangely.  Don't think I don't know what you're up to!" Aunt June scolded.

"Uhhhh… okay…  Bye."

After the silent wait to make sure his aunt was gone, Matt started to clean up his now silly string covered room.


	6. 6

6

"I think there's something seriously wrong with Matt," June said while knitting an afghan.

"What?  Are just noticing that?" Fred snapped sarcastically.  His eyes didn't move from the TV because wrestling was on, and he didn't like to be bothered when wrestling was on.  "There's been something wrong with that boy his whole life.  He was born with something wrong with him."

"Fred!" June barked defensively.  "He's our boy and it's our job to take care of him.  I want you to find out what's wrong.  I have a feeling that he might be in serious trouble.  I mean, he started that fight at school the other day…"

"Yeah.  The useless kid is starting to show some backbone."  Fred took a sip of his beer wile keeping his eyes directed at the television.

"That's not the point," June said.  She was starting to get very frustrated.  She just wanted to help Matt out, but she didn't think Matt would listen to her.  Matt would need another male figure to talk to.  "Fred!  You're going to talk to our nephew and find out what's wrong the next chance you get!  And if you don't…"

"Okay, okay.  Just shut up.  I want to watch this.  They're letting random people into the ring to fight Bone Saw.  This should be good."

There were two men in weird garb beating the hell out of each other on the screen before the elders.  June didn't get what was so attracting about mindless violence.

"Everyone knows that's all staged anyway," June mumbled.

"Yeah, but it's still fun to watch," Fred said and he took another swig of beer.

It was at that moment that Matt charged down the stairs and rushed through the room in which his aunt and uncle were watching TV.  "I'm going to the library, be back later," Matt said so fast that all the words fused together which made the sentence almost undecipherable.

"Okay.  Remember to play in traffic," Fred said without expression.  June shot him a harsh look, which Fred caught out of the corner of his eye.  "Ummm… Hold on there sport," Fred said quickly, getting up from his seat for the first time in three hours to do something other than get more beer.  "I'll drive over there."

"That's okay, I can just take the train." Matt didn't want to get stuck with his uncle, partly because Matt was really going to the wrestling ring and partly Fred was just a pain in the ass to be around.

"I need the exercise, shut up," Fred snapped.

"Exercise?  What the hell are you talking about?"

"Watch your language.  Come on, let's go!" Fred looked back and saw his affectionate wife smiling while continuing to knit her afghan.

The old, yellow car pulled up next to the library and was put into park.  Inside, Fred turned off the radio and began what was perhaps the most heartfelt conversation he's ever had in his entire life.

"What the hell's the matter with you?" Fred said, emotionless.  There was no anger, no concern, not even a hint of irritation.

"What?" Matt said.  He was caught off guard.

"Well, you've been ignoring your chores, conducting weird experiments, and starting fights at school."

"I didn't start that fight!" Matt defended himself.

"So you've said.  You sure as hell finished it, though.  I've never been more proud of you.  That's not the point, though.  You're changing.  I know because I went through the exact same thing at your age."

"You did?" Matt asked curiously.

"What the hell do you mean, 'I did.'  Everyone goes through puberty!" Fred enlightened in a not so light-hearted manner.

"Oh, right… puberty."

Fred raised an eyebrow, but ignored what he passed as his nephew's ignorance and continued with his lecture.

"The thing is, you can't just beat people up for no reason."  Fred actually didn't care who Matt beat up, but June did.  So Fred said what he thought his wife would approve of.  He was very creative and was extremely skillful at coming up with spur of the moment bullshit.

"The kid you beat up… what's his name?"

"Sparky."

"What a queer name….  He probably deserved what happened to him.  But, uhhh… just because you…uhhhhh…. have the power to beat him up doesn't give you the right to.  Remember…"  Fred took a long pause here.  He wanted to make this next statement memorable.  He didn't have to believe it to make it good.  Meanwhile, Matt was looking on with anticipation.  Fred continued.  "With great power comes great responsibility."  _Hey, that was great!  It worked perfectly_, Fred thought.

Matt, a little disappointed that his uncle appeared to be disappointed, said, "Do you think I'm going to become some kind of criminal?  Don't worry about me!  I'll make plenty of money as a wrestler or something."

"Don't be a dumb ass!  The point I'm making is that you have to be responsible.  I know I'm not your father…"

"Then stop pretending to be," Matt cut in, harshly.  When he got out of the car he told his uncle, "Gown ups aren't supposed to pretend!"

Fred, happy that Matt was finally out of the car, used that moment to take off while yelling out the window, "Pick you up at ten, bye."  Matt turned his back to the library and proceeded to the wrestling ring.

"There you have it, ladies and gentlemen.  Bone Saw has just maimed his twenty-second opponent tonight!  What a marvelous feat.  Only five hundred thirty-nine more to go to break the record.  Bring on the next opponent!"  The announcer in the ring was a tall, skinny man with dark hair and had a twisted sense of entertainment.

"Next," the chubby, black woman said while sitting at a desk stuffing her face with chocolate.  "Ameb," came out the mumbled word because of her candy stuffed face.

"What?" Matt asked, approaching the desk.

"Ibe ed," the woman mumbled, now swallowing her food, "what is your name?"

"Why the hell do you need my name?  I thought I was just…"

"So we can check to see if you're eighteen or older," the reasonable woman reasoned.

"Ummm….  Will a fake ID do?"

"Yeah, that's fine."

Matt pulled out his fake ID, professionally done due to his uncle wanting Matt out of the house as much as possible, and let the plump lady take a look.  The ID was okayed and Matt moved on, while pulling a red mask over his face.

"Wow, was that amazing or what?  First guy since the fifth contestant to die… of a heart attack.  I'd like to take this moment to remind everyone, the competitors, mostly, that the contract does cover homicide.  We will not be held responsible." The announcer was wearing a bright yellow suit jacket and a bloodthirsty grin.  "Who will be the next victi… er… competitor?  Who will win the big bucks, el muy dinero, the immense amount of greenbacks?  Maybe it will be…" the excited ring master lowered his voice and talked away from the microphone.  "What's your name kid?"  The man had been walking back towards the curtain where the armature wrestlers have been emerging.  He now stood asking the mystery man behind the curtain for his name.

"Matt," said Matt from behind the red curtain.

"Not your real name, you idiot!  What is your wrestling name?"

"Oh, ummm…  El Hombre Araña," Matt said proudly.

"What are you, stupid?  You don't use Spanish in America!"  The yellow-garbed man now turned away from the curtain and back towards the crowd.  He put the microphone up to his mouth and said, "The amount of three-thousand dollars will be paid to the abstract Spider-Matt!"

The curtain opened and revealed the most humiliating costume ever to be made in the history of costume making.

"What the hell is that?" said a voice in the crowd.

"Looks like a dork," said another.

"No, I mean on the dork's head."

"Oh… I don't know"

What was actually on Matt's head was a huge, red sock.  It was about the size of one of those socks that clown wears while wearing those huge shoes.  There was, of course, a hole cut in the sock that revealed immature teenager's eyes.  He also wore a red sweat shirt with a funky looking spider on it and a pair of blue sweat pants.

As Matt made his way to the ring, the crowd started throwing things at him.  Mostly Kraft Dinner.  Matt didn't know the significance of the Kraft Dinner, and he most certainly didn't know why it was being violently thrown at him.

A man in the audience jumped up from his seat.  There was something very peculiar about this man.  Matt decided it was because of the three metal claws sticking out between the excited spectator's knuckles on each hand.  There was a box of Kraft stuck on the claws of one hand and a giant cardboard saw in the other hand.

"What a weird crowd," Matt said to himself as he crawled underneath the ropes of the wrestling ring.

The announcer, upon noticing Matt enter the ring, yelled out, "NOW!"  Suddenly a cage dropped around the armature teenager and homicidal professional known as Bone Saw.

Matt rushed over to the bars of the cage and yelled in panic, "I didn't sign up for a cage match!"  No one cared about his plight.

"Hey freak show," growled Bone Saw from behind Matt, "you're going nowheeeeere."  Matt noticed how the wrestler's voice resembled that of someone who is constipated.  "I've got you for three minutes!  Three minutes of…." The wrestler struggled to find a word that would fit what he was trying to say.  He decided playtime would fit nicely and plugged it in.  "Three minutes of playtime."

"That's a little gross.  It doesn't sound right," Matt notified his overly anxious looking predator.

Bone Saw charged at Matt and Matt jumped up and clung to the bars that made up the side of the cage.

"That's a cute outfit," Matt said.  "No, I really think so.  The girl I have a crush on wears something just like that.  Just without the saws."

Bone Saw looked himself over to recall what he had donned for the match.  It was a revealing t-shirt with a miniskirt.  The miniskirt had cute, little pictures of saws on it.

"Of course, I must admit that the outfit looked much better on her," Matt said after a moment of hesitation.

Bone Saw grunted, because this was all he did for the majority of the matches, and then jumped to try to reach his opponent.  He was very annoyed that he couldn't reach the frightened youngster so he decided to speak up.  "What the hell are ya doin' up there?"

"Staying away from you for three minutes.  I only have two minutes and forty seconds left to go!" Matt said victoriously.

"You cheap little bastard.  Get down here and fight like a man."

"Why don't you come up here and fight like a spider?"

Bone Saw made another leap for his adversary.  Matt hopped over the combatant and landed behind him.  Matt then proceeded to advance on the wrestler and wallop him with a fist.

Bone Saw didn't like this at all and grabbed for Matt.  Unfortunately for Bone Saw, Matt was ahead of the game and already had his Super Silly String shot out and attached to the top of the cage.  Matt gave a quick yank on the rope and sent himself soaring upwards just in time to avoid his aggressor's offensive assault.

"Stupid bum!" Bone Saw yelled in aggravation.  "Get down here!"  So Matt released his hold and dropped letting his feat connect with the antagonist's jaw.

"Chair!" shouted parts of the audience.

Bone Saw, now on the ground due to the excruciating blow to his face, grabbed Matt's feet when he wasn't looking.  Matt (stupid teenager) didn't pay attention to his know-it-all-spider-wit.  A quick tug brought Matt down to the ground while the steroid pumped warrior got to his feet and hustled over to the side of the cage where a Xena looking woman handed her champion a metal chair.  Bone Saw hustled back to where his opponent hadn't recuperated yet and smashed the chair over Matt's back.

Matt rolled over now, looked up into the homicidal eyes of his freakish foe, and kicked him in the crotch.  Now, just so you know, Matt doesn't usually fight dirty.  Of course, he doesn't usually fight, but he knew what was acceptable in a fight and what wasn't.  Matt didn't think smashing chairs over kids' backs was acceptable so in return, Matt did something else unacceptable.  In his mind, two wrongs did in fact make a right.

Bone Saw fell to the ground and passed out because of the great amount of strength put into the kick.  Matt stood up and when he realized that no one was coming to declare him champion, he put his own arm in the air.  Matt waved his arm around in the air while the cage was lifted and the audience booed him for his objectionable method of winning.

"Okay, here's your lousy money," the promoter said behind his big desk in his big office that made him look important and he held a hundred dollar bill out, waiting for the teenager to take the money and piss off.

Matt, now with the sock off his head, screwed up his eyes to give a facial expression that showed outrage.  He failed.  He returned his face to normal and said, "The add said three-thousand dollars, not a hundred."

"Well check it again, freak," the promoter spat.

Matt pulled out the newspaper and looked it over.  "Right here," he said, and pointed it out to the man behind the desk.  "Three-thousand dollars, see?"

"Huh," the promoter said as he realized what was before his eyes and scratched the back of his head.  "I guess I did put three-thousand down.  Well, you kicked the guy in the groin to win.  That's frowned upon, so I'm afraid I can only give you three-hundred bucks."

"You gave me a hundred."

"That's what I meant.  That's all I can give you.  Go away."

"I _need_ that money," Matt pleaded.

"That's not my problem!  Go away!"

Matt stormed out of the office and down the hall.  He pushed the elevator button with an angry jab and waited impatiently.  There were noises behind him.  The sounded a little like this:

"Give me the money!" (Voice of an angry man.)

**_SMACK!!!!_** (The sound of a gun making contact with the angry man's head.)

Quick footsteps and "Stop that man." (A fat policeman unable to apprehend a thief)

Matt still waited with his impatient pose for the elevator doors to open.  Then, once they did, a blonde jerk with a bag of money heaved past Matt and through the open, metal doors.  The disrespectful dope quickly pressed the button for the elevator to close and yelled out "thanks" to Matt.  Matt just watched in irritation.

"Why didn't you stop him!" yelled the pursuing cop as he turned around to find the stairs.

"You could have torn that guy apart," said the promoter, rubbing his head.  "Now he's going to get away with my money."

"That's not my problem!" Matt snapped.  "I'm just trying to leave!  These goddam elevators take to long.  Then, once they open, I can't get through because a jerk with a bag of money shoves past me."

"Jesus Christ!  Forget it!"  The promoter left and Matt resumed waiting impatiently for the elevator.

Once Matt finally made it out of the building, he couldn't find his uncle.  Matt was definitely having a very frustrating day.

Matt looked left and right and saw nothing but a big mob of people surrounding one particular spot on the sidewalk.  Matt didn't really care what the commotion was all about, but he had nothing better to do than check it out.

He casually made his way over to the horde with a sluggish gait.  Matt shoved passed the people using his incredible strength.  Then he saw the horrible picture that he will never forget until the day he dies.  Even then it will still linger in the unconsciousness of his soul.  Matt stared at the ground and saw the form of his collapsed Uncle Fred.

"That's my uncle!" Matt shrieked, and he proceeded to shove past the authorities.  Then Matt added, in slight hesitation, "I think…"

Matt pulled out a wallet out of the back pocket of man on the ground and then said, "Yep, it's my uncle.  What happened?"

"Carjacker," a cop said in a tone that indicated she didn't give a damn about what happened to the old man on the ground.

Fred opened his eyes slightly to see what was happening.  He saw Matt and acknowledged this by saying in a horse voice, "Matt…" There was a hint of despite in the dying man's last word, but Matt didn't notice.

Matt let tears stream down his face thinking, _I shouldn't be crying.  Uncle Fred would call me a pansy if he could see me now._

Fred opened his eyes one last time and said, "Pansy."  He then let out his last breath and died.  For good.

Matt was about to scream out no(oooooooooo) and give this story an unneeded and overly used cliché but he was interrupted before he got anything out of his mouth.  A policeman said, "We've got the shooter!  He's starting the dead man's car across the street!"

The man in the yellow Oldsmobile saw the police pointing over at him and he decided to forget about trying to hotwire the car and just use the keys he got off the old man.  He started the car and took off in a mad rush.

Matt noticed all of this happen and decided that he was going to catch the killer himself.  This was something that he should have never done because it would later lead to an unneeded feeling of guilt.

Matt ran away from his uncle's dead corpse (as opposed to a live corpse), and went into an alley.  About ten seconds later he appeared on a rooftop in his terrible "Hombre Araña" costume.

Matt started to hop from building to building to find the stolen vehicle that once belonged to his Uncle Fred.  He did find it.  It was actually disappointingly easy.  The Oldsmobile was waiting at a red light.  _Waiting!_  That wasn't the worst part, though.  The worst part was the fact that three cars behind the stolen, yellow automobile were two police cars with their lights flashing, were also waiting.  Matt was baffled.

While being baffled, the red traffic light turned green and the thief once again took off like a maniac.  Finally, a chase scene!

Matt was prepared for this.  All he had to do was shoot out a Super Silly String line and swing from it.  He could do this.  He just wasn't sure if he would do it successfully.  Since he didn't feel like letting the bad guy get away, Matt decided he would just let his know-it-all-spider-wit guide him.  Matt brought his middle and ring fingers down and pressed them against the button on his palm.  A strand shot out and snagged onto a building.  He paused for moment and contemplated what he was about to do.  That was before he realized he was going about it all wrong, stopped thinking, and jumped.

Matt let out a yell.  It was partly out of ecstasy, and it was also partly because he could see that he was about to smash into the wall that his strand of silly string had attached itself to.  Then Matt's know-it-all-spider-wit kicked in and he instinctively shot out another strand to the side and let go of his first.  Matt swung to the side and looked down.  He saw his uncle's stolen car and started to trail it.

Matt swung for a while and was contempt with being able to keep his uncle's car in his view.  Then he realized that he was accomplishing nothing and decided to perform a few stunts in the air.  He twisted and turned his body making odd shapes that a normal person would cringe at the sight of.  Matt was even able to screw himself up into a pretzel shape.  That frightened him.

At any rate, Matt eventually decided to do something about the retreating car and plunged down onto the car's hood.  The driver shrieked and quickly turned the steering wheel back and forth to try to shake the freak off the car that he, as he liked to say, "stole fare and circle…I mean square…  Is that right?"  He wasn't bright.

Because of the lack of intelligence, thief put all of his attention on getting the newly acquired "hood ornament" off the car, instead of looking where the vehicle was headed.  It was headed, unfortunately for the thief, directly towards a building.  The car smashed into this building and came to a halt.

Long before the collision, Matt was warned by his know-it-all-spider-wit, of course, and jumped to safety.  He watched the thief get out of the car and run into the abandoned building.  _What an idiot!_ Matt thought.

Matt crawled on the ceilings of many dark, reclusive rooms in search for the madman who killed his uncle.  _Where could he be?_ Matt asked himself.  He lowered himself upside-down holding onto a strand of Super Silly String and noticed a paranoid man.  The strange man was looking all around trying to figure out which way an attack was going to come from.

"There!" Matt exclaimed.  He noticed his mistake when the adversary squealed the word "shit," and made a run for it.  While Matt tried to twist himself right side up, he lost his grip and slammed into the floor on his back.

While Matt caught his breath, the assailant (more of a coward at hindsight) was making an attempt to walk through locked, metal doors.  It didn't work, of course.  Matt caught up with the killer and smashed the man's head through, not one, but two glass windows.  The evil man screamed at the impact both times.  This pleased Matt.

The murderer was released, and he backed up to a large window, which supplied some of the little light that the room possessed.  He was breathing heavily and Matt could tell the man was afraid.

_As well he should be_, Matt thought.

"Wait!" the hunted killer said.  "I didn't do anything.  What do you want?  Give me a chance?"

"What about the old man on the street?  My uncle!  Did you give him a chance?  Did you?!"

"The old man on the street?"  The mystery man eased up a bit now.  "I didn't kill him.  The guy came up to me complaining about his life and all.  He told me to take the gun and shoot him because his nephew is a pansy and he has nothing to live for.  I told him I wouldn't shoot him.  I may be a thief, but I'm not murderer.  Then he offered me the keys to his car, which he pointed out as the 'old, yellow one.'  Since I was desperate for a getaway car, I took the keys and left.  Well, I went across the street to the car anyway.  He seemed mad, but he decided to just shoot himself anyway."

"You expect me to believe that trash?" Matt said, now offended that this jerk thought he could get away by telling such a stupid story.  Matt grabbed the thief and pushed him into the light coming through the window.  Police cars surrounded the building and had searchlights set up.  Once the thief was in the light, his true identity was shown.  It was the man whom Matt let go after stealing the money at the wrestling wring.  Now Matt had guilt.

"Look, I'm tellin' ya, I didn't kill him!"  The burglar's voice shook because he was afraid, once again.

Matt didn't care anymore.  Whether the thief killed Fred or Fred killed himself out of self-pity, it was Matt's own fault.  He gave the coward a shove while turning to walk away.  The thug tripped, fell out the window, and died on collision.  Matt didn't care about that, either.  Nonetheless, he still allowed himself to say "whoops."  He then yelled out the window "sorry."

Matt saw several police cars in front of the abandoned building, and decided it was time to take off.  Matt then noticed flashlights making their way towards him and that's when he decided it was definitely time to make himself scarce.

According to eyewitnesses, the masked man disappeared.  In fact, Matt had just crawled out the window with such stealth that no one noticed.  It was all thanks to his know-it-all-spider-wit.

Matt sat on a gargoyle a few hundred feet up in the air on the outside of the Chrysler Building.  He was too depressed to be amazed by the view.  He looked up at the two towers, and he suddenly had newfound strength.

"Look at those buildings," the naïve teen said to himself.  "Those two structures have been through a lot and they've never fallen.  They let nothing get in their way.  They're sturdy and nothing will ever knock them down.  That's the way I should be.  I have to be like the twin towers.  I won't let anything get me down!"

The teenager had no idea what he was talking about, but he was sure it was something profound.  At any rate, it was the most profound thing he ever came up with.  Now he had to go home and tell his aunt that it was his entire fault that Uncle Fred was dead.  Or he could say it was just a murder… Yeah, Matt knew nothing.  The carjacker was entirely to blame.


End file.
